Fish Bitch

Oh, hello.

Thank you for scanning my shirt.
That was your first mistake.

I am a big pussy, and for reasons no one can fully explain, these incredibly cool people I’m with continue to tolerate me.

My name is Fish Bitch.
You may also call me:

• Loser

• Ugly

• Dork

• Guy who eats Snickers upside-down so he can feel the vein on his tongue

You may NOT buy me a drink or pity me.
You may only treat me like dirt.

I suck so consistently that it has become a defining personality trait.

This is not a joke or hyperbole—
I am what happens when potential gives up early.

I eat bananas for the shape.
My family tree is a wreath.
I have to think about left and right.

You can try to insult me, but you’ll be competing with a lifetime of natural disadvantages.

I don’t have a library card.
I clap when the plane lands.
I say “you too” when the waiter says “enjoy your meal,” 

I am the type of guy who owes his grandma money…

Some of my heroes include:

• People who microwave fish in shared spaces

• Guys who say “just the tip” and mean it emotionally

• Anyone who says “this won’t hurt that bad” right before it absolutely does

It’s nice to meet you.

Now, please go thank my friends for the charity they provide to the public by keeping me occupied.

Because without them…
I would 100% be trying to hang out with you.

I Suck.

P.S. Dont hand me anything important